It’s a card-knock life!

Let’s be honest, the new Keele card is terrible. Granted, it is now contactless and the time saved in not having to press the one button to confirm transactions has done me a world of good. I’ve managed to write a series of novels, start my own clothing line and visit every country in the world in the time saved by having it contactless. Who knew that one button press was absorbing so much of my time? All it took for this revolution in technology was for the card to lose its expiry date. I’m glad to see the back of that old thing. Its only purpose was to provide student discounts and make life more manageable. Obviously, students don’t need to save money.

Upon its announcement, I did some investigative journalism on the new Keele card. I managed to obtain the following statement with regards to the loss of expiry date from the IT Service Desk: “The Keele card… has never been promoted for use off campus. Any benefits obtained in this manner are purely coincidental.” The IT Service Desk clearly believe those student discounts which we all used to have access to were a mistake which they have now corrected. Thank God for that.

Not content with just messing up the Keele card, the application system for parking permits has also seen a reinvigoration this year. It was rebalanced to ensure that people who needed permits received them promptly and without any hassle. One need only ask the six hundred people who appealed the day the permits were awarded, and the countless masses who appealed after that, to see how effectively that was handled. A month later, the appeal process is still ongoing. That’s efficiency.

“I’ve managed to write a series of novels, start my own clothing line and visit every country in the world in the time saved by having it contactless.”

Both of these misfires would be embarrassing in their own right. Yet, we must not dwell on these matters. It’s not like the university has done anything more embarrassing recently that shows a total contempt for its student body.
In completely unrelated news, Keele appears to be embarking on a rebranding process. This rebranding process features a logo so vile that it would be more aesthetically pleasing to replace the old logo with a picture of Nigel Farage’s gurning face than employ the travesty that is being proposed.

Do you want to know what it’s like to be someone making important decisions at Keele? Then I have a fun game for you. Go to a cashpoint and get some money out. Shove it all into your pocket and go for a walk around campus. Whenever you see the Keele logo, take out one of your notes and set it on fire. Watch as it burns to ash then move on to the next appearance of the logo. Keep doing this until your pocket is empty.

Congratulations, you’ve just played Keele Management Simulator 2017.

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