TW: Sexual Violence
My story is not nearly as traumatic and has not had any of the long term negative effects that many other posts in this project have – but this doesn’t negate my experience, and it doesn’t excuse his behaviour.
I was drunk. In fact, I was very drunk. So drunk that I still to this day don’t entirely know what happened. All I fully remember is sitting on my bed with him, and then him pushing my head down and feeling like I couldn’t breathe.
I remember him leaving, and I remember feeling empty, and I remember crying. I remember reading a message from one of my friends (I’ll call him Ray for this post) after he left, begging me not to go home with whichever guy I was with. Turns out he’d done something similar with another girl and she had seen me with him earlier that night and contacted Ray, worried about my welfare but not sure of who I was or how she could contact me.
For a while afterwards I blamed myself – I was drunk, I shouldn’t have gotten myself in to that state. But then I remember that he watched me get in to that state – he knew I was drunk, he’d watched me buy drinks for myself, he’d bought me more drinks, and then he’d insisted that we left early. And I realise that it’s not my fault, and that the feeling of panic and anxiety whenever I see him around campus or tagged in things on the freshers page is very real, and it’s legitimate.
And it’s not. my. fault.